I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Body by sandwich.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”