[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
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I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I’d rather fork than spoon.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch