HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.