My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
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Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
they split up moments later
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
A Short Story.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle