“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
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I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
SPLOOT
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”