My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.