[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
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My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Facebook memories be like
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.