My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
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If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field