[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
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My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I’m not lazy
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.