GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in