Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
You Might Also Like
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
🤣✨#caturday
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do