[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
You Might Also Like
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Yup.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.