God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.