My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
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My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
🤣🤣🤣
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Growing out my freckles.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”