Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
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Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.