me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
🤣
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.