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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My first son he is wonderful
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.