Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”