When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
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I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Sounds like a bargain
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Lucky for them, they’re cute
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Britain be like
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars