They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
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Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.