To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.