I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
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Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
oppen heimer style lol
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years