My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
every single time
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.