The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
More like Kate Missington.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em