Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
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David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?