Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
All set.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them