Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me