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GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Remember folks 😂
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.