Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I triple waxed for this?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*