Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
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“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
These are too funny not to post 😂
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”