The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
You Might Also Like
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music