Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
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ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I had to Stop for this
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
A bold strategy
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing