The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
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I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to