What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
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[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.