“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
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Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Cheer up.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.