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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: