me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Breaking news:
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch