applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
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“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.