According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
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My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
The honesty is refreshing
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.