all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
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the way this pissed me off… 😭
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Things will get butter, keep churning
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies