we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
lmfao come on
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint