If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
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911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Air conditioning – not a fan
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket