Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.