I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
english majors be like furthermore
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.