*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Well, shit
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
🏙👨🏼
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.