Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
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Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]