This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
#NoRestForTheWicked
“You drive, I’m tired.”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.