Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
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Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT