ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
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Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.