COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
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Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
what’s really going on
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?